Fatherhood is complex for me. The father figure I did have may have done the best in his eyes, but definitely not mine. I won't bash him. I won't complain. Not today. But his best definitely wasn't good enough. But maybe it wasn't his job. He wasn't my father. No one was. (Is that even possible?)
The psycho-analyst in my knows that these facts (as I see them) shaped me in many ways. I never truly had any sustainable, deep relationships with males. Sure there were guys I hung with, guys I cared about. But almost entirely they have been, not insincere or dis ingenious, but still, not deep; superficial relationships.
So when I found out that we were having a son (and there was no doubt in the ultrasound) I was scared. How could I be something I never knew? Sure, I am Zoe's Daddy. But it's different with a girl. I've had plenty of friendships with females. That was/is familiar. And I'm not teaching Zoe how to be a woman. Janai will handle that beautifully. Big questions were nagging me for many months.
- How could I create something with him that I never experienced? How could I teach him to be a man when I'm still figuring it out myself?
- How could I teach him to be brave when I'm so afraid?
- How could I show him how to have confidence when I have so many doubts?
Then it dawned on me: it doesn't matter. NONE of it matters. Jules is coming. And he DESERVES a FATHER. He DESERVES to have someone, ME, to love him, guide him, protect him. It is his birthright.
He is my son. I am his father.
And Julian will no doubt have questions. Even big ones. But he will also get the answers he deserves.
