I Am My Son's Father

Fatherhood is tricky for me.  I never knew (and probably never will know) my biological father.  Never knew the story: did he know I exist, does he know? if so, why did he never step up? if not, would he want to know? There are thousands of questions that will be left unanswered, I suppose.

Fatherhood is complex for me. The father figure I did have may have done the best in his eyes, but definitely not mine. I won't bash him. I won't complain. Not today. But his best definitely wasn't good enough. But maybe it wasn't his job. He wasn't my father. No one was. (Is that even possible?)

The psycho-analyst in my knows that these facts (as I see them) shaped me in many ways. I never truly had any sustainable, deep relationships with males. Sure there were guys I hung with, guys I cared about. But almost entirely they have been, not insincere or dis ingenious, but still, not deep; superficial relationships.

 So when I found out that we were having a son (and there was no doubt in the ultrasound) I was scared. How could I be something I never knew? Sure, I am Zoe's Daddy. But it's different with a girl. I've had plenty of friendships with females. That was/is familiar. And I'm not teaching Zoe how to be a woman. Janai will handle that beautifully. Big questions were nagging me for many months.

• How could I create something with him that I never experienced? How could I teach him to be a man when I'm still figuring it out myself?  
• How could I teach him to be brave when I'm so afraid?
• How could I show him how to have confidence when I have so many doubts? 

Then it dawned on me: it doesn't matter.  NONE of it matters. Jules is coming. And he DESERVES a FATHER. He DESERVES to have someone, ME, to love him, guide him, protect him. It is his birthright.

He is my son. I am his father.

And Julian will no doubt have questions. Even big ones. But he will also get the answers he deserves.

He's Here!

Well, our lives are forever changed. Little Julian Onyx was born on Monday @ 8:00 AM. Weighing in at 7 lbs., 1 oz., and 19.5", he's a tiny thing.  Zoe was a pound and a half heavier at the same length.

And he sure is a quiet one! He sleeps ALL THE TIME! So far, he's a content little guy.  Cries when he's hungry and when he's soiled; but that's about it.

We feel so blessed to have him in our lives.  It's an amazing feeling.

It's pretty scary having a son for me. But with Jehovah's help, and Janai's support, I hope to give Julian everything he needs in a father.

1st Unofficial Photo Shoot

Well, we figure we've had so many pics of Zoe, we gotta get Julian used to the camera.  We got some really super shots out at Keeneland with our buddy, Bill Caine.  Zoe was a good big sister, too!

I've been so much more relaxed with this pregnancy than with our first.  Can't really explain that.  I just am. We'll see how long that lasts!!!

Janai is such a beautiful Mom . . . at every stage.  I know it's uncomfortable being preggers during the hot summers, but she always radiates joy and beauty while she's 'with child'. Love that that comes through in pictures.

She's my queen.

Baby Shower for Julian

Well, we're almost there!  Auntie No-No, Grandmommy, and Netti threw a beautiful baby shower for Mr. Jules. Everything was super nice.  Lots of friends and family. Lots of precious and practical gifts. Lots of love.

Mommy and me are beyond overwhelmed.  There's no way we could ever repay all the kindness and love we've been shown.  

Getting anxious about meeting our little boy. But, it's times like these that make everything that much more real.  Love our support!!!