Back in January

Wow!  So much has been going on in our Little Man's life over the last  few months.  The poor little booger has been sick so often this winter. He's had several ear infections. He's had RSV, which was super, duper scary.  Listening to him wheezing, and laboring to breathe was insanely difficult. We felt so helpless.  The constant breathing treatments with the nebulizer seemed worthless.  But thankfully, he was almost always in a good mood.  He was mostly a happy baby despite feeling so sick.

He's gotten to see a lot of family and friends over the winter, which was mostly mild.

We just love his infectious smile and beautiful smile!  Little King Julian.

Something New

Well, we've been having some fun times with little Julian. Finally, he's starting to like me.  He's fallen asleep on me three times in the last two weeks. Preciousness.

And then he's been trying new things.

• Rolling over now. We had to stop swaddling him since he now rolls over onto his stomach while sleeping. 
• Food. He's been liking his rice cereal, but now loving his "real" food. Grunting for more just like his big sis.
• Belly laughs. His first real belly laugh was tonight. Zoe started it by playing with him.  It's just amazing how much they love each other.

Family Time

Unfortunately, time is NOT unlimited. With all the demands of parenthood, and the minutes and seconds clamoring for your attention, it's not at all easy to find the time to spend with family and friends.  But we still feel it's a necessity. We want our kids to be social beings. To love, to interact, to enjoy being around their friends and family.

It's also regrettable that some people are missing out on a meaningful relationship with our little ones. It really does make me sad. They're such happy kids. And they are so much fun to be around.  Why you would purposely reject having a relationship with either of them is, among other things, cruel. What could an infant or toddler EVER do to someone? On any level?

Now, as parents, we have to figure out a kind, but direct way to explain to our children WHY they've never met people that they really should have met.  Where are THOSE words? I've yet to find them.

But thankfully, that's the exception. Most are happy to have these moments.  And Julian and Zoe are happy to have them, too.  Every such moment is cherished.

Time Keeps Ticking By

Mr. Jules is almost 4 months old now.  That'll be next week.  He's had a rough go of it the last several weeks.  He's been sick with a cold or virus that he just can't shake.  Poor little dude has been on a nebulizer that he HATES! Thankfully he sounds much better, but still has congestion.

On a positive note, very positive, especially for Mommy, Julian is now sleeping through the night.  He's going through a little growth spurt right now, so he has woken up a few times here and there. But we think he's back on track.  That's the BEST news.

And if there's one thing this boy LOVES, it's his big sister.  No joke. She has his attention no matter what.  He just watches her with a big smile on his face all the time. It's really incredible to see.  All the grumps in the world will say, 'Wait until they're teenagers,' or 'Wait until she takes his toys.' I will wait, thank you.  Right now, it's precious.  And I'll take it!

I Am My Son's Father

Fatherhood is tricky for me.  I never knew (and probably never will know) my biological father.  Never knew the story: did he know I exist, does he know? if so, why did he never step up? if not, would he want to know? There are thousands of questions that will be left unanswered, I suppose.

Fatherhood is complex for me. The father figure I did have may have done the best in his eyes, but definitely not mine. I won't bash him. I won't complain. Not today. But his best definitely wasn't good enough. But maybe it wasn't his job. He wasn't my father. No one was. (Is that even possible?)

The psycho-analyst in my knows that these facts (as I see them) shaped me in many ways. I never truly had any sustainable, deep relationships with males. Sure there were guys I hung with, guys I cared about. But almost entirely they have been, not insincere or dis ingenious, but still, not deep; superficial relationships.

 So when I found out that we were having a son (and there was no doubt in the ultrasound) I was scared. How could I be something I never knew? Sure, I am Zoe's Daddy. But it's different with a girl. I've had plenty of friendships with females. That was/is familiar. And I'm not teaching Zoe how to be a woman. Janai will handle that beautifully. Big questions were nagging me for many months.

• How could I create something with him that I never experienced? How could I teach him to be a man when I'm still figuring it out myself?  
• How could I teach him to be brave when I'm so afraid?
• How could I show him how to have confidence when I have so many doubts? 

Then it dawned on me: it doesn't matter.  NONE of it matters. Jules is coming. And he DESERVES a FATHER. He DESERVES to have someone, ME, to love him, guide him, protect him. It is his birthright.

He is my son. I am his father.

And Julian will no doubt have questions. Even big ones. But he will also get the answers he deserves.

He's Here!

Well, our lives are forever changed. Little Julian Onyx was born on Monday @ 8:00 AM. Weighing in at 7 lbs., 1 oz., and 19.5", he's a tiny thing.  Zoe was a pound and a half heavier at the same length.

And he sure is a quiet one! He sleeps ALL THE TIME! So far, he's a content little guy.  Cries when he's hungry and when he's soiled; but that's about it.

We feel so blessed to have him in our lives.  It's an amazing feeling.

It's pretty scary having a son for me. But with Jehovah's help, and Janai's support, I hope to give Julian everything he needs in a father.